I made a prompt decision nine days ago. No more crazy pills. No I am not a drug addict. Sometimes I do feel a bit batty though. I just have a really compound mind. Some may consider being on antidepressants to be the same as being addicted to drugs. Let’s face the facts people. Antidepressants are a type of drug. You want to take them to feel better or more connected. I guess it is like being addicted to a harder drug. Now you ask yourself; why would you do such a thing? You were taking them for a reason. This is a fact. Let’s just say I felt so vanquished, I needed something to take the edge off. I even used those exact words when talking to a psychiatrist. Wow, I really do sound like a drug addict.
Something was faulty though. When I was on these pills, I did feel more linked to the world. Well at least they made me think I did. I was less depressed, but parts of my complex mind just seemed blocked. Funny how a red pill the size of mosquito can just modify my mind. I did always find that interesting. I found a lot of things interesting about this medication. It was a problem I have always had. I cannot turn the switch to off in my mind. Imagine laying down trying to sleep and you cannot stop thinking. Here this is the best way I can explain it. Let’s say you are standing in the middle of a circle surrounded by millions of people. Each person represents a thought. So you go up to one person and fight it out. Try to resolve the problem you are thinking about. So once you do, that person vanishes. Now before you can even break out of the circle, it closes on you creating a brand new cylinder of emotions. This is me every night.
Now my thoughts can be anything from confused to lucid. But there is just so many. I am not sure if this is a gift or a curse. My thoughts have helped me in so many situations, but at the same time they stop me from relaxing. Sometimes I try to think of it like a super power. Some super heroes have the power to shoot lasers; I just over think things. Over thinking things have gotten me out of some bad spots. When I lay down to sleep though, I do not get any freebies to pass out.
Sorry I had to give that little back story. I could write a book on just that, but there was a reason for me expressing this. It was to set up this little goodie that just happened to me tonight; because it all started with one simple thought.
The other day my cousin gave me a cigar. Not one of those chubby ones, but a medium size one. He knows that sometimes I don’t mind smoking. I don’t buy cigarettes or anything. I just have smoked before. I think he knew it would relax me. Because when I smoke something, I don’t really think about dreadful things. It unclogs my head some. Yes smoking it bad, but sometimes it is a small price to pay to just feel a little less in my brain for that day. Pretty dark that I would rather take in some harmful chemicals just to have a little peace. Now you see what I am dealing with.
The thing is that I actually didn’t want to smoke it. But my mind is differential. I am not taking that little blocking pill. My mind was all free again. What would I experience if I smoked this cigar? Am I suppose to smoke it? There has to be a reason why this small tube of leaves was placed in my hand. Yes I do think that things happen for a reason. So I was wondering what the reason was for me given my first ever cigar.
So I poured myself a small glass of scotch and took my cigar on the balcony. My dog Yuki accompanied me because she loves to go out there. I sat down and took a small nip of the scotch. I then glared at this cigar. Why do I have this? I am not really a smoker. I then took my glass of scotch and chattered it some. I watched the caramel color of the liquid softly dress the glass. I feel like I need to smoke this cigar. I felt like part of my mind was locked with thoughts that I have not experienced since I have been on medication. This cigar may be the key I was looking for. Yes, I know it sounds ignorant.
I took another sip of my scotch and let my tongue bath in it for awhile. Once I felt the burn; I swallowed. I think I am ready to try this, what looked like, a rolled up paper bag. I intrusively bit off one end of the cigar and lit the other. The first thing my lips experienced was sweet. My lips were first apprehensive, but then I got flavor. I noticed the cigar was marked honey berry. I actually was not too fond of this. It kind of tasted like defiled sugar. This is not what I wanted. I felt cheated in what I wanted to really feel. But then it suddenly happened. I inhaled the white mist that the embers created. When the clouds of smoke escaped my mouth, it hit me. The lock was broken in my mind and a memory showed itself.
There was a time in my life when I did not feel as stressed as I do now. It was when I was a young kid. I remember visiting my grandparents on my mom’s side. Also visiting my aunt and uncle. Those memories locked themselves in my brain after I took that medication. Being off it now, gave them a chance to shine again. When I exhaled the smoke, it twirled and danced freely to my nose. It was then I smelled the searing tobacco. It reminded me of my uncle. He always smoked cigars and drank, what I believe, was whiskey or a scotch at the time. He passed away some time ago, but I remembered it all. The thoughts raced though my head of being a kid and playing outside where they lived. I embodied my uncles spirit for a small time. I was smoking the cigar, I was drinking the scotch; just like him.
I took a huge puff of the cigar and watched the smoke float from my mouth. I then took another bite of my scotch. I stared at the sky that God created for me that evening and for a moment, I was relaxed. My body shut down and I felt detached. I shut my eyes for a moment and just let my mind run away. Run as fast as it could until something blocked its way. Along came memory number two.
With my eyes closed I saw my grandparents old house up in the woods. There were trees hugging the outer areas. I remember a small supple pond. Being there as a kid was very therapeutic and relaxing. For a moment I didn’t smell cigar smoke anymore, but I smelled the fresh air. My grandpa also liked to smoke and drink. Now I felt like he was a part of me. I remembered things he taught me to make me a better person when I got older. It was like I was really there again.
I opened my eyes to see that my cigar had burned down a bit and was basically smoking itself. My dog was staring at me wondering where I went for that brief moment. I took another wisp from the cigar and blew the smoke straight up to the sky. I then looked at that ocean up above and thought of nothing but my grandparents and now great it was just to be at that house. Then I thought of my aunt and uncles house and how it was engaging to be there also. Every piece of memory just put me at ease. Instead of a scattered puzzle, it had all came together to form one full picture. I don’t remember the last time I felt like that.
Feeling my relatives spirits and bringing out these memories really opened my mind for the next forty minutes. I was looking at everything around me and I was piecing it all together. I had stopped smoking the cigar. I only got half way through it and decided to put it out. I also finished the scotch and no it was not enough to get my drunk. It was just a taste to calm the nerves.
I sat back in my chair after and focused at the sky again. Just then two ducks few by and a thought passed my mind. Were they lovers? Were they on a mission to get somewhere to be together? Then I saw in the corner of my deck a pretty big spider in a hole. It popped out for a second to just see what was going on. When I saw it, it hid back inside. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am terrified of spiders. But I was not frightened. I knew the little guy was scared of me too and we both came to an understanding to leave each other alone and just enjoy the cool evening. So many more strange things happened throughout this time, but I will leave it to your imagination. I used my mind this entire time, so why not use yours.
So what kind of experience was this that I had? It had to do with drugs, tobacco and alcohol. Most people would look at this and just think I am demented. Hey maybe I am; but I do know I really felt collected tonight. Some people can just get in touch with their inner self. I for some reason, needed triggers. Unfortunately they were not really healthy ones, but I appreciate them doing what they did for me.
I am a religious person and I am sorry if you are not because this last part you may not understand. You will have your reasons on why I did what I did, and I have mine. I don’t have any doubt in my mind that I embodied a part of my grandpa and uncle’s spirit tonight. Also that God helped me do this. For when I sat on the deck, I said a prayer. I prayed to God that I am going to smoke and drink. Two things that are not very healthy. I also prayed that I am not sure why I am doing this. I told God I am going to take this chance and hopefully he will help me understand my choice; wither it be good or bad.
Using religion you can say that God works in mysterious ways and I believe He did tonight. But for anyone who has a background in science can also agree that the mind works in mysterious ways. Combining the two for me made me clutch something I have not felt in a long time. I am blessed for that small period of time, I felt like me again.